Matthew RojoWalnut Creek Therapist

ADHD in women

The ADHD that gets missed in women

If you've spent years wondering whether you have ADHD while everyone around you waved it off, there's a reason it never got caught — and it probably isn't you. ADHD was defined around hyperactive boys, so the version that shows up in women slips right past the people who are supposed to catch it. It tends to look less like bouncing off the walls and more like a mind that never quiets: overwhelmed, disorganized behind a capable surface, exhausted from holding everything together, buried under a mental load no one else can see.

Maybe you've been called lazy, scattered, flaky, or too sensitive your whole life. Maybe you've quietly carried the sense that everyone else got a manual you never did, and blamed yourself for it. That's the part I want to name first: the struggle is real, it has a name, and it was never a character flaw.

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Why it gets missed

The criteria most providers still carry in their heads were built around hyperactive boys, so women get overlooked at every step — underdiagnosed, and diagnosed years later than men when they're caught at all. Because the inattentive, internal presentation doesn't match the stereotype, it gets read as anxiety or depression and treated as that for years, while the ADHD underneath goes unnamed. A lot of women only start to see it later in life — sometimes when their own child gets diagnosed and the description sounds unnervingly familiar. If this sounds familiar, it may be worth a real evaluation rather than a guess.

What therapy actually does here

I don't do formal testing — if you want a diagnosis, I'll point you to someone who does — but the testing was never the hard part. The hard part is everything the years of being missed left behind: the self-blame, the anxiety of always feeling behind, the exhaustion of compensating, the shame that piled up. That's the work I do. We build practical ways to manage the day to day, and we work on the harsh inner voice that decades of "why can't I just get it together" tend to build — and we measure it, so you can see it ease.

A different way of seeing it

And it's worth saying: ADHD isn't only a list of deficits. The same wiring brings real strengths — creativity, the ability to see everything at once, to hyperfocus on what genuinely grabs you, to move fast when it counts. The goal isn't to fix you into someone else. It's to take the trade-offs seriously while you stop fighting your own mind.

Common questions

Frequently asked

How is ADHD different in women?
It tends to be inattentive rather than hyperactive — less visible restlessness, more internal overwhelm, disorganization behind a competent exterior, and a constant mental load. Because it doesn't match the hyperactive-boy stereotype, it's easy to miss, and easy to mistake for anxiety.
Why is ADHD so underdiagnosed in women?
The diagnostic criteria and most providers' instincts were calibrated on boys, so the quieter, inward way it shows up in women slips through. Women are underdiagnosed and diagnosed later than men as a documented pattern — not because it's rarer, but because it's overlooked.
Could it be ADHD, or just anxiety?
They overlap heavily, and anxiety is often what gets diagnosed first because the constant 'I'm behind, I'm forgetting something' hum looks like worry. Sometimes it's anxiety, sometimes ADHD, often both. A formal assessment sorts the diagnosis; the therapy helps with the overwhelm and self-blame either way.
I'm realizing this in my thirties or forties. Is it too late?
Not at all. Recognizing it as an adult is incredibly common — often it clicks when a child gets diagnosed. It doesn't undo the hard years, but it changes the story from 'what's wrong with me' to something that finally makes sense and can be worked with.
Do you diagnose ADHD?
No — I don't do formal assessment. If you want testing, I'll refer you to someone who does it. What I do is the therapy around it: the anxiety, the overwhelm, the relationships, and the years of self-blame.
If I'm diagnosed, do I have to take medication?
No. Medication is considered a first-line, well-established treatment for ADHD, so part of doing right by you is making sure you've had a real conversation about it with a prescriber — but the decision is always yours, and I'll support whatever you choose. You know better than anyone what fits your life. If you're not sure, one option is to ask a prescriber about trying it in a low-stakes way to see how it feels for you; many people are surprised by what's possible to explore there. My job is to help you think it through clearly and make the call that's right for you — not to talk you into or out of anything.
What does therapy cost?
Individual sessions are $275 per 50-minute hour. Private-pay and out-of-network, with a superbill available and HSA/FSA cards accepted.
Is this available online?
Yes — in person in downtown Walnut Creek, or by secure video anywhere in California.
How do I know I can trust you?
You don't have to force it. If part of you doesn't trust me, that's worth paying attention to rather than pushing past — closing the gap between us is my job, not yours, and it's genuinely okay if we turn out not to be the right fit. There's more on my About page, including why some wariness toward a therapist can be perfectly reasonable.

Explore

Adult ADHD

The broader picture — how I work with ADHD in adults.

Anxiety & Trauma

For the anxiety it's so often mistaken for, and what's underneath.

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Office
1535 North Main Street, Suite 250
Walnut Creek, CA 94596
Sessions
Couples therapy is only in person. Individual therapy is in person or by video.
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